The ongoing military service of Corporal Wayland Catillo and Private Rowan Haddaway is ample evidence that the 728th Cadian Regiment is not led by fanatical officers and gun-happy commissars.

If that were the case, both guardsmen would long since have been put before a firing squad.

Both men are widely viewed by their comrades as wastrels, reluctant to engage in physical work and somehow managing to skirt their duties without crossing the line that would see them court-martialed.

Not even Private Tyesha Levers, who expresses disdain for both men in her private journal, would argue the men are   disloyal to the God-Emperor. It’s simply that these men are lazy, cowardly, and utterly useless as soldiers.

Haddaway was inducted into the Cadian Youth Army as a child, where he rapidly collected demerits for minor infractions and repeatedly found himself on punishment detail.

Yet, his most infamous moment as a cadet is known as the “Big Whoops” Incident of 732.M41.

One month before graduation, Haddaway used a short furlough to drink excessive amounts of alcohol, return to base drunk, and manage to pass inspection and be assigned to unload a standard utility vehicle (SUV) of its cargo of Earthshaker high-explosive shells.

After only 15 minutes of work, the young cadet, suffering from an extreme hangover, started to bemoan his plight and slowed down the unloading process considerably.

When a nearby sergeant noticed, he walked up to the sweating Haddaway and shared an impressive vocabulary of disparaging and contemptuous opinions of the cadet.

During this reprimand, Haddaway leaned against the SUV, accidentally dislodging an artillery shell that fell 1.3 meters onto the plascrete floor of the supply hut—and landed nose-first with a loud “clang.”

Two seconds later, after everyone present realized the shell hadn’t exploded and vaporized them in a cloud of blood and gore, Haddaway uttered a “whoops,” an exclamation so astonishingly stupid that the incident became one of the most-often told stories for later generations of cadets.

Haddaway was immediately arrested and other cadets began taking bets on whether he would be shot by firing squad or transferred to a penal battalion.

A reprieve arrived with the sudden deployment of all cadets—including Haddaway—to various battlefields across the galaxy to offset severe casualties suffered by already deployed regiments.

For the next 13 years, Haddaway was witness to a series of military campaigns that took him across the galaxy.

Along the way, he eventually was assigned to Baker Company of the 728th Cadian Regiment and quickly found himself on punishment details where he met Catillo.

The older guardsman had a talent for avoiding the front lines, an instinct for black marketeering, and an uncanny ability to annoy and frustrate his superiors. The two men bonded immediately.

None of this is to suggest the two men are incapable of fighting and, occasionally, they’ve shown a modicum of military elan.

One instance was during the two-year campaign against rebels on the world of Venator. The two men were traveling off-road to deliver an illicit shipment of medical supplies to a source in the black market when they stumbled upon a group of rebels deploying on both sides of a highway.

It was obvious the enemy was preparing an ambush on an approaching military convoy and, although tempted to slink away, the two wayward soldiers could not bring themselves to allow the slaughter of their fellow guardsmen.

They opened fire against the rebels—two men against 20—in hopes the gunfire would warn the convoy of the danger ahead.

In that, they were successful. The convoy was warned. It also was transporting the regimental commander, Col. August Klein, who decided to take advantage of the failed ambush to gather his bodyguard and launch a counterattack.

The rebels were driven away, and Cotillo and Haddaway were brought to the colonel, who commended their initiative and promoted Cotillo to the rank of corporal.

Another incident showed the worst of the two men. In 736.M41, during the fall of Port Malati on the moon of Dar Sai, a detachment of the 728th—including Cotillo and Haddaway—was attacked by a powerful Tau force that broke through the regiment’s line.

As guardsmen attempted a fighting withdrawal, Cotillo and Haddaway panicked and fled for their lives. Observed by Private Levers and documented in her journal, the two ran past her and other troops trying to set up a new line of defense and were only seen later when they were the first to embark upon ships that evacuated the 728th from certain defeat.

Over the years, the two men have been joined at the hip, working side by side to avoid battle and stay “busy” in support roles. Some speculate the two are so close because no one else in the regiment wants to have anything to do with them.

Their personal interaction is the source of some fascination by their peers. They are constantly bickering, although the older Cotillo is protective of his younger comrade, and Haddaway always, albeit reluctantly, does as Cotillo tells him.

Currently, the two men are deployed with the 728th Cadian Regiment in the Dark Forest of Dar Sai’s largest continent, and they have had little opportunity to engage in black marketeering—or even getting drunk. And they are appropriately miserable as they toil away under the watchful eye of their platoon sergeant, Sgt. Majaro.

And they have been fighting. At the battle of Drax Hall Plantation, Haddaway—finding himself surrounded by Tau warriors—put up a good fight, and Corporal Catillo was slightly wounded  when his transport was hit—but later was seen treating the wounded under fire.

So, they may be “sad sacks”—but they may yet prove somewhat useful to the Emperor.

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Click here to see more the great artwork of Irina Kuzmina (“Nord-Sol”) at DeviantArt.com.

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The Corvus Cluster is a Warhammer 40K blog documenting our hobby adventures in the fantastical sci-fi universe of Games Workshop.